Bringing Words to Life

As I sit here wondering, “What would be a good title for this essay?” I remind myself of what I have told students more than a thousand times….just write. Titles are simply the frosting on the cake. So here I am – my thoughts might not strike you as important. On the other hand, perhaps this is exactly what you have been feeling but can’t articulate it. If so, this is for you.

I realized, going back to school this year that although I love what I do, the entirety of all that I am suddenly responsible for nine months of the year is rather daunting. For those twelve weeks of summer I am responsible for only what book shall I read next, what plant will I fuss over, what square of beach is best and all those rides through the countryside that are so fulfilling for me. It’s a relaxed life filled with farm stands, hidden gems, the perfect rock. It’s warm nights and the smell of fresh grass in the air – or even better – the cool, intoxicating breezes coming from the Maine coastline. It’s a road yet explored, an Osprey’s nest, and an ice cold thermos of ice tea. Come September, I turn the corner and reenter six day work weeks, responsibilities, chores, must do’s and deadlines.

I thought, funny enough, that over my lifetime if I worked hard enough, studied long enough, molded myself into a scholar and did above and beyond what was asked of me that life would get easier. I would climb pay scales and life would get easier. Here I am, at 66 still treading water and definitely barely keeping up with rising costs. According to a recent article I read, I am not even making the median income Americans should be making……as I contemplate taking on a third job. It was with sudden clarity that the sum of my decisions in life …whether for the right reasons or not, have most certainly not panned out as I fantasized they would. Let that sink in for a moment I thought. No wonder I’m still on anti-depressants was my next thought. As my reality came into focus I had to admit that I will be working long after most folks retire. I may never own a home or have a dog or a flower garden of my own. I may never be brave enough to entertain the thought of falling in love again, as the damage from my one and only runs just too deep. I know I might not survive should I hurt again. I might not even get to Italy which has always been my dream. Reality is truly a bitch.

As depressing as it sounds, at my soul I still retain a smidge of optimism and that is the well I decided to dip from. If, in those summer days I can find such a deep well of peace and joy, perhaps it needs to be replicated throughout these fall and winter months in little ways which turn into big, ginormous bits of happiness. And so it is that for my first dip into refilling my soul I woke up and drove to Appleton, Maine to see a dahlia. Not just one, but hundreds of dahlias. It was a perfect early fall/late summer day with clouds roiling in preparation for a tropical storm. As my new friends showed me each variety, I could feel my inner coil slowly unwind as really….anyone who can’t appreciate what nature can do is beyond me. It was two hours of pure, unadulterated joy. As I left with a large bouquet of flowers to bring home, I meandered down country roads I had never traveled, and made one last stop at Morse’s Sauerkraut.

Morse’s is one of the most fascinating European markets/delis I’ve visited. I took my time pouring over imported jams, jellies, and all sorts of confections in languages I did not understand. I tried a sample of their pickles and it was the perfect blend of sour/crisp/spice that pickles should have and a big jar came home. My wild purchase was a loaf of such gastronomic delight that even without trying it I knew it would no doubt be the best pastry I had ever eaten. Layers upon layers of brioche dough with sugar and cinnamon. It looked like the rings of a tree when I sliced it. I had given up sweets/sugar for the past 6 months and once it hit my lips my eyes rolled in my head and it brought back such memories of baking with my Mom and Nana. I promptly sliced it, wrapped the individual slices as tight as a mummy, and froze them. I figure that no one can ever truly have a no good, dirty, miserable day if they only knew a slice of this would be waiting for them to have with a cup of tea.

Life is hard and even an optimist like myself sometimes has to face the hard realities that come as I get older and life just keeps marching on….sometimes leaving most of us wondering just where is that rainbow Maya Angelo promised in her writings of storm clouds and better days. Once I came to the obvious conclusion that happiness, joy, contentment, and peacefulness is not elusive, I changed my thinking of wishing life were different and found my own version of glimmers…..that popular word characterizing those moments when you take a step back and know that things like dahlias, apple orchards, country roads, and small adventures are what we should be prioritizing. I know I am, and every so often until next summer rolls around I intend to stop, step away from all the should do’s and must do’s of life and with a tank of gas be an adventurer and take it all in.

Ciao! Laurie

It is 50 degrees out; unheard of for Maine winters and as much as I love the fresh air pouring in, the warm temps are a teaser for spring for most Mainers and plants alike. Perhaps Mother Nature is trying to figure out which direction she should now go in, just like the rest of us. It seems as once the glow of Christmas passes, all I notice is stark, silent, grey and white clomps of dirty snow and barren branches. It is a time of reflection which most of us do at one point or another while dreaming of our next summer adventures.

I find the fall months fly by at such a rapid pace that I quite often look up from my work and am amazed it’s already winter and in turning that corner wait not so patiently for shoots of green grass and buds on trees – life renewing itself just as we now find ourselves on the threshold of a new year. I have no intention of making resolutions that will be broken, nor need to be drawn in to the torrent of ads featuring ways to shed wrinkles, fat, and illnesses if I don’t heed the warnings. In reality, these companies are all fighting to latch onto our insecurities, and increase their profit margin. Advertisements have a great way of having us feel inadequate in all ways; and while we stumble towards that magic bullet so many of us will fall prey to the dream, while we ignore our rational thinking. If we didn’t, we would realize that 99% of it all is based not on science, but just a slick salesman.

I made a list this morning of things I do routinely that does not serve me well based on logic and just common sense. For instance, I have given my internal dialogue far too much credit in directing what I should do, can do, and don’t do. In fact, my internal dialogue is a slick salesman who can convince me quicker than a 30 second ad on the value I place on myself, my endeavors, and my goals. I’m thinking I need a roll of duck tape available as a reminder to silence the nay sayer when I can. It is the internal dialogue of “slick” that derails most of us – whether in how we view ourselves, or our lives in general. Slick needs to take a hike as all it serves is to beat us down.

That being said, today is an excellent day to rewrite a few things and it does not mean that life changes by leaps and bounds but by baby steps and applauding small changes in a larger vision of our so called lives. I will need to remind myself of just this as January passes and we press on towards spring. It is so much safer to stay the course, continue on as before, too frightened to imagine the possibilities we are worthy of and embrace them. Nothing in our lives comes easily, but there is a sense of satisfaction in small steps towards a larger goal. It will take believing in the power within us – once we do that, somehow it will all fall into place.

So take today in, enjoy this brief hiatus of winter and breathe in the crisp smell of spring as a teaser; toss what no longer serves you, and make room for adventure and possibilities that are there for each of us – I have faith and hope which is a good start to my first steps into this new year. May it be more than you expected, worthy of a scrapbook and stories to pass on. May you feel peace in the ebb and flow of the tide which mimics life – may the sun warm your heart and may you love not just this live, but may you simply decide to love you.

Ciao! Happy New Year!

It’s December 30th; the greenery is slowly being packed away, another night of tree lights and then off to the attic it goes. My antique Santa, feather tree, and carolers are packed in tissue paper and carefully stored in the cedar chest and all the while this happens, I wander through the rooms, reflecting on the year as it passes and wonder with some trepidation where we will all find ourselves at this time next year.

I have to admit that I miss the holidays captured in photo albums of children and family gatherings, wrapping paper galore and all the smells of sugary treats, homemade breads, and rib roasts. I miss the feeling that it isn’t about commercialism, but of giving from one’s heart. I miss having projects at the dining room table to share with each family member, always orchestrated by me and completed by my own small elves and then delivered to each home. It’s lying under the tree to stare at the lights, and not noticing how dark out it is so early as we turn our attention to the small white lights glowing from every window and table. That sudden snap in the air is about balsam, and cedar, and warm fires.

This past year, I stepped way outside my comfort zone and found a new job that brings me joy and continues to amaze me at how not stressed I am. I love using my mind, my experience, and all those years of study – it has opened up a whole new world I didn’t realize existed. I explored Air B&B’s and splurged with my dearest friend for a few days at my favorite place two minutes from the ocean.

I spent the holidays alone, as one son decided he needed a tropical holiday, and the other one fell prey to all the cold and flu germs in public and was totally out of commission. The cat and I had some cheese and crackers, some leftover chicken for dinner and binge watched holiday movies. I survived and all that $$ I spent on fancy treats has now been doled out between family members so I did return home this week with empty bags and happy folks! It wasn’t Hallmark, but I survived and now I look to the New Year.

I am getting older I’ve discovered after ignoring all the little signs that Mother Nature is sharing with me of late. I have discovered that routines are fine and safe, but life isn’t always about playing it safe. I spent so many years dedicated to degrees that I neglected what is really important in life….however many days any of us have left. I took a good, hard look at myself and am going to direct my stubbornness and determination into my health, and perhaps even find someone who thinks an old school teacher is the cat’s meow. I’ve loved a memory for 18 years and memories are also safe…….it means I don’t have to be vulnerable, take chances, or be rejected. The cat is quite content being devoted to me, but we can’t have much of any intellectual conversations, and she may purr, but she’s not so good at giving a hug, or holding hands on a walk.

So who knows where we will all find ourselves on this day next year. As we grow older, we also lose more and more of the people we’ve loved. I’ve decided, or come to the conclusion that we must not waste our days wishing for our yesterdays to return, or for wrinkles to disappear as time waits for no one. We have wonderful memories, but they are just that….memories and it’s about time to reassess this third act of life and although it may be a bit daunting at times, we need to keep at it – I mean after all, we have wisdom, we’ve tossed all sorts of “must haves” and “must dos” to the wayside, and happiness is a recipe of sorts. It will be as different for you as it is me, but with a dash of this, a bit of spice, a bit of switching up ingredients………what an amazing result we just might have.